Thursday, January 29, 2009

Attila




Bookmark and Share


I have these odd moments where I start thinking of the most unwieldy things. This morning, while I was taking a shower, I was pondering on the wise bodybuilder's rule of not working the same muscle out on a daily basis. I've often questioned this rule; you see farmers going about their work everyday, and while the chores vary from day to day, you can't say that they really change the muscles they work. The same goes for construction workers.

But today, these two were not my examples of choice. This morning, while I was bathing, the exception (?) to the one-muscle group per day rule was something far more absurd.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Attila the Hun's invasion of Italy:

[Curtain. The lights open to Attila Dragomer, known as flagella dei, gathering his forces at the outskirts of Italy, which was then known as a part of the Roman Empire.]

A: Today, we reclaim the hand of Justa Grata Honoria, and she will grace my bed and be a very good wife for my kingdom!

Huns: AHOO! (i just had to put this in here) [The Huns rattle their weapons of war]

A: [surveys the land vis-a-vis his map, and upon finding what he was looking for - the neighboring region of Aquileia - withdrew his sword from its sheath and issued the command] Let us go, brethren! Onwards to the Roman empire!

Huns: AHOO! [charges]

[The Huns begin the invasion and soon, after many skirmishes with the forces of Valentinian III and his consort, settle down to building a castle on Aquileia. Not a single part of the former city remains.]

A: We have done well thus far, my people. Now our battle tack. Drive the people from the cities away, into the Venetian lagoon! A city floating in water has always been deemed impossible; now these Romans will disprove that, with our help!

Huns: AHOO! [scampers away to do Attila's bidding]

[Thus was the second phase of Attila's invasion of Italy the driving force behind the creation of the city of Venice. Let it be said that Attila did not just destroy, but he created as well.]

[After more skirmishes, Pope Leo I, after being convinced by the ungodly charms of Valentinian III, decides to go and bargain for the peaceful fate of Rome (now Italy). Little did he know that he was accompanied by two forces that would later on be instrumental in his success.]

[At Mantua, the two parties meet, exchange civilities and begin talking.]

Leo: You go home now please?

The ghosts of St. Peter and St. Paul: [Unseen by everybody else, except for Attila, these two spirits flank Leo I, probably carrying weapons of mass destruction as yet unseen by man during the time] Git going or else we will fuck you up real good.

Attilla: [Mellows down] Ok thx bye.

[Attila goes home to his palace, makes new plans to conquer Constantinople, and all is well. Or so he thinks. One night, after his marriage to his newest wife, Ildico:]

Gudrun (one of his previous wives): You harlot! [stabs Attila with a knife]

A: Ghraaakkkkk!

Huns: AHOO! [mourns Attila's death not with tears, but with more bloodshed. The curtains close to Attila's coffin being buried beneath the Tisza river.]

End

Seriously. All that arising from the mere thought of how soldiers in the Hunnic army developed muscles that were repeatedly used in fighting, which goes against the bodybuilder's rules. Something's wrong with me.

No comments:

Post a Comment